The Apex Of My Dejection
Can I be honest? To become available to all, is to deny self, the power of preservation.
For the last week or so I have tried to decompress and I’ve been unsuccessful doing so. The truth is that I am hurting. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am sad. Emotionally, I am depleted. Spiritually, I am preplexed. I have nothing to spare or give. I have declined important phone calls because I lack the space for someone to lay their burdens down on my lap. Honestly, I am not your therapist.
It’s only because of the sustainability of God that I haven’t fallen into a state of depression. But that’s tea for another time.
How did I reach this apex of dejection? I have been doing some introspective work because I believe that in any situation; I am the common denominator. Taking ownership of a situation means that I control my narrative in the story. I realized that the reason I have been feeling this wide range of sadness is because I lacked self-preservation. For most black women, the “save everybody while compromising self” mindset is engraved in the womb; not literally but you see where I am going with this. We[black women] are groomed to be emotional mules. This is unfair and I reject the idea that I must do the emotional labor for people I did not birth and so I don’t.
It is so important to know when to withdraw yourself in order to center self. Sometimes people, unknowingly, rely on you for so much that they inadvertently forget that you’re trying to navigate life as well. This does not make them “bad” people it just means you need to prioritize.
Recently, I terminated a long-time friendship, which has been the hardest thing for me to cope with. People often talk about relationships breaking your heart but I am here to tell you that friendships, when genuine, can be just as heartbreaking.
In reevaluating “that” friendship(because I believe that pain can be used as a teaching moment to ensure that one doesn’t make the same mistake twice), I realized that I lacked reinforcing my boundaries. I allowed history to override respect; and that’s not good.
Needless to say, although I am still in recovering mode, and choose not to further indulge, I am thankful that God has allowed me this time to soul search. May I continue to heal and evolve pass this grief. Ase.
